The Day I Accidently Walked Into Native Doctors House...

My People how far now? Longest time i know.. it feels quiet good to be back on the type writer again. But wetin i go tell una? Na School wahala weh keep me from updating you all on my day to day adventures loll..

But I am here now and a QUALIFIED NURSE!! WHEEPPEEE!! *those star jumps around the room*. 

Na God Ohh!! Na God do am for me the devil tried nonsense but God scatter his shameful head- I be God's pickin ohh, no be me u go miss with or u go miss road!

Anyway, I have moved back home now which is extremely unfortunate, mumzie don forget that i be BIGS GIRLS now no be small house girl dat she could wake up anyhow for early morning to peel yam or go and line up for council office to go and pay her council tax MCHEEEEEWW!! For her mind my 3 years away from home was a short holiday for me to go and "groove" according to her, now her precious Ekaette The House girl is back to do her slave labor. I pity for myself jarreh. E No Easy.

Today in one of my very relaxed day i decided to go to the market to go and buy some various creams for spots & blemishes ect (Exam stress had completely ruined my skin, i was in need for some serious facial detox) so i now went to my local market (i shall not reveal the market, this is jand ohh i no get money for lawsuit). As i was wondering from stall to stall  i now came across one koro. My heart was telling me "Turn backkk oohh!! You no hear word, TURN BACK!" Some may even say that na God de warn me for before hand but my friend curiosity is a devilish thing, i told myself 'Abeg biko, wetin de wori u sef, u act like u no be child of God' lool.. See this is the thing that sum of us baby christians don't understand, God no be fool... many a times we use God cover the fact that we foolish enough to enter were mama no send us go lol.. Daniel did not run to the den of lions to go and gist with Simba and Mufasa na circumstance land him there and that is WHEN the 'U no be God pickin' supernatural powers kicked in loll.. At that point i don't know wetin enter my head to go and check out this koro. As i enter this alley i now saw one shop, called....

 -Spiritual Shop-

In the front window was plenty Jesus figurines and other 'holy' knickknacks of various saints and angels ect. I  now reason am, 'mek i enter, besides i need a new bible and a few holy household novelties like a cross or something would go nice with the newly decorated kitchen'  My bruda n sista na so i reason am for my mind ohh.

When i now enter if you see the HEAVY smell of incense that blasted my nose, it was worse than being a cathedral during mass, just one kind incense knack my like this ehh.. i felt high!


"MY PICKIN RUN OHH, LEAVE THIS PLACE OOHHH!! THUS SAYS THE LORD ABEG LEAVE"

'Abeg wetin de worry me sef' i told myself  'God no de run' .. I now saw that inside all the human size 'holy' figurines where somewhat distorted. The man size statue of jesus had swollen konk on its forehead... now i think back the konk resembled a horn actually, then the 6ft statue of Virgin Mary had painted on it bloody tears and another mansize statue of another angel had this grin that resembled the Jokers grin from Dark Knight..

"HMM!! LUKE 6: 46- WHY DO YOU CALL ME 'LORD, LORD', AND NOT DO WHAT I TELL YOU?!"

As i turned i now saw one costumer walk in and she approached the shop owner who was appeared to be a black woman known as MaMa J* (again names have been changed). The conversation went sumfin like this:

Woman- Mama J, i just want to thank you for that ointment you gave me

Mama J- Which one my daughter, the 'Go away Evil' perfume that i got from Haiti last week or the 'All Month Good Luck' soap?

Woman- 'All month good luck' soap mama, since i started using it along with all the candle meditations i've got myself a new job, my baby girl stop wetting the bed, things just been going well for me

Okaaayy... Haiti!!?? The place where the national religion was once Voodoo??.. Candle Meditations?? ... 'Go Away Evil' soap??? At the very point of realization i now heard one scream from the back.. i can't explain to you what this scream sounded like... it wasn't human... more like a bird screaming.. like you know dem naija movies where Patience Ozokowor has just reached a Native doctor's house and you ALWAYS hear them wierd screams and burning sounds in the background loooll well YES OHH LIKE THAT!! 

At this point no one has to tell me to take me bag and runnnnnnnnnn!! Ehh?!? no be today Willie Willie go use me for blood money NO NO NOT MY PORTION OHH!! In my process of trying to 'discreetly' running without being noticed i nearly tripped over a turtle that seemed pretty comfortable strolling the shop floor like it was just a walk down the park. 

At this point my "U Be God's Pickin" supernatural powers kicked in and gave me superman speed to leave that God forsaken place before you could say 'Blood of Jesus' loool.

When i got out, i felt different... i can't explain bros, it was as if during the time i was in there i was dangerously alonnee!! but now that i was out i was no longer alone.. I had the spirit of God once again with me... It now dawned on me...

There are some places that are so demonic that God Himself  cannot enter the place with you since he is holy and even God would have to wait outside for you...

Light & Darkness cannot be combined!! But i thank God joh!! My stubbornness nearly landed me for trouble! but like in true Naija horror movie fashion:

To God Be The Glory

Wetin Consine Federal Government of Naija ?!

Welcomee My people! This new year God go bless you!
As you de see, i've not blogged for some time .... But sometin don happen wer i no fit hold my mout no longer. Water don break wer be say Goat mama no fit hide her labor! But today my people i must admit from the bottom of my heart that the Government of my Great Nation Naija don VEX MEE BEYOND REPAIR!!

Before i go start my vent, mek una hear this new jam by Tha Suspect.. Very Fela

GOOD LUCK JONATAN! & THE REST OF YOUR GOVERNMENT, NA GOD SEND YOU TO PUNISH NAIJA!?! Yes!!! I said it!! Oya come and beat me if you fit try!  During the elections, for the first time in my life i was very concerned in who shall become the next naija presido... Me ohh!! Me that couldn't care less before about who carry presidency for head but after analyzing the condition of Nigeria i really did pray that the next president would better the land... and with everyone saying that it was about time that a southerner took over government and that PDP were good and Jonatan was the hope naija so desperately needed, me like mumu i now followed the crowd of zombies rooting for him. But i have come to a well thought off decision, Naija Goverment, whether dey b PDP or ANPP or DPP or CPC or any of them, majority of the time if not all the time na money dey wan chop!!!

As the people of naija dey sell akamu for street in order to finish paying off their school fees, these bufalloes jus deh relax as they chop banga soup and amala in their plush homes!! Eh-Ehhnn now!! See wetin my bruda Tha Suspect highlighted to us, How can Jonatan spend   N200 MILLIIIOOONNNN NAIRA A YEAR ON GARDENING?!? NA DA GARDEN OF EDEN!! Jonateliii ohh you wan kill us troway! That N1 Billion that you spend on choppin u go vomitttt am!! My people, i no de yarn ohhh but Yawa Don Gasss!!!  Kai!! Theif!! Ole!! But this no be "Carry and Go!!" moment ohh, YOU MUST BRING AM BACK OR YOU NO GO SLEEP WELL!! When i discuss this topic with my girls and dey go tell me of there brudaz who don collect 1st class for University in Naija but no find job, or when there mumsie or papsie no de well, unless they have money to tek am go hospital for abroad, chances are they go die troway for the hands of Naija Health services, i de shoocckkk!! The matter mek me de feel cooolld as if i don see ghost! But in the same land wer ppl deh pray to God to find simple gari weh de go use chop, they are stinking rich people that sleep each night in  N12 BILLION NAIRA Mansions!!!! POLITICAL JAGUDA! 

Straight Up! I no go hold my tongue any longer! America, United Kingdom, China dey laugh at us, although dey too de chop people's money, der people still de prosper.. atleast small!! But for us, Efiko no find work no longer! Breast milk don finish for pikin to drink! In order to survive, people deh result to ogunje. 
But hey, wetin consine federal goverment! 


They just use empty promises carry commot face, ABEGGG!! Mek i hear word!! Na grammer be dat one ohh!! See GHANA!! WE, US, NAIJA PEOPLE they provide them electricity but WE OURSELVES HAVE NONE!! Nepa has become a Bloody tourist attraction!! Chai! Dey go tell us that this subsidy is going to benefit naija economy.. Mcchheeewww (kmt) .... Na subsidy you wan use cover up decades of corruption? Mchhheeewww, I no blame you, na real craze dey worry you well well !! See how naija people jus de veeexxx, u go think that the whole nation don join confra! And what de painn me pass is the $32 BILLLLIIIIOOONNN no be million oh, BILLLIIIOOONN DOLLARS that has been squandered in Nigeria.. $32 BILLION US DOLLARS UNACCOUNTED FOR!!! WER U HIDE AM PUT FEDERAL GOVERMENT?! UNDER YOUR BED? Ekpami O!! God have mercy!! No jobs for educated people in naija yet a Lady that sounds like she no pass JS1 don carry First Lady Cabinet!! 


“If you carry ya women rish dia, protect ya vote; they have expand Enugu airport to make sure you can flew ya goods to south east, atink my husband & him junior broda have do well. mind you, we women have short time to born shidren, man can born shidren till 100yrs so dont let mans to use ya shidren as militancy or as togs or army robbering, ask ya youths to enter house.” - Dame PATIENCE JONATHAN

Dame Patience aka Mrs "My Fellow Widows" gbagauned constantly. The chik fine small for face but na gbagaun full her mouth. No wonder our people deh shame to tell employees from abroad dat dey are from naija.





O boi, all this wahala de taya me. Gbagae don bust for Naija, no be small ting. If say i kno, i no go vote for GEJ. I for one, is trying to figure out how i could prove a point to this government whilst i'm in Jand... Nonetheless, I have a suggestion sha... just a smallllll suggestion.. If all naija women, in naija and abroad, UK, US, Japan, Yugoslavia, Everywhere, barb de hair, like real time barb de hair Gorimapa and then use cellotape tie their ynash wer be say all women Ikebe de appear flat like pan cake, in addition all women now strike against Rich Men, as in dem old papa Aristos and all them fools that believe that their money and expensive Agbada's na good reason to insert their sim card into young women, If us women remain firm, like kakaraka, these men go suffer ohhh!! The go see Qweehh!! They go beg goverment to end corruption cus corruption deh turn our women kolo! I deh tell u, wen women refuse to open leg for dem, and dey no see big ynash, flowing hair, men go collapse oh! Even GEJ himself go beg una... Anyway Na taught sha, consider am!

And for any corrupt politician dat is reading this blog right now, mek i warn you, you know say Khaki no bi leather, Everyday for the thief ...but my friend... ONE day for the owner.


I don talk finish!!